Delegation of Mitigation of Delegates Association. We mitigate the problem associated with large amounts of delegates as an association and delegate problems associated with them.
Congress Eagerly Pushes New “Delegation of Mitigation of Delegates Association,” President Still Unsure What It Does
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare show of bipartisan enthusiasm, members of both the House and Senate have thrown their full support behind a new government initiative: the Delegation of Mitigation of Delegates Association (DMDA) — a proposed federal department designed to, as its title clearly states, “mitigate the problems associated with large numbers of delegates as an association and delegate the problems associated with them.”
The bill passed the House by a staggering 412–3 vote after most members admitted they didn’t fully understand it but “liked how official it sounded.”
“It's a bold step forward in governmental administrative delegation strategy,” said Senator Todd Hemmington (D–VA). “For too long, delegates have been left unmitigated, and mitigations have gone undelegated. The DMDA changes that.”
The bill’s primary sponsor, Rep. Alford C. Delroy (R–KY), delivered a floor speech describing the program's purpose in great detail:
“This agency will act as the primary oversight mitigation body for delegate-based associations, associations of delegation mitigators, and any future groups formed to delegate mitigation to delegate committees. All sub-delegated issues will be properly mitigated unless deemed unmitigatable by the Mitigation Delegation Oversight Panel.”
The chamber erupted in applause.
Later that day, the bill was brought to the President, who spent 47 minutes reading the title out loud.
“Wait,” said the President, slowly turning the briefing folder upside down. “So… they delegate… the mitigation… of delegates? Is that what this is? Is this real? Is this something they made up to mess with me?”
White House aides confirmed that the President initially believed it was a joke submitted by The Onion or possibly an AI that had become sentient and overly interested in parliamentary procedure.
“Look, I’ve signed a lot of stuff,” the President said. “But this one feels like someone copied and pasted a mission statement into a blender.”
Meanwhile, bipartisan members of Congress have insisted this is “the most necessary thing since the invention of the Select Committee on Committee Selection,” and have requested $14.7 billion in startup funding, 32 office buildings, and a commemorative lapel pin for each staffer.
The bill now heads to the President’s desk, where he has vowed to “figure out what the heck it actually means” before possibly signing it into law — or at least delegating the decision to someone who can mitigate the fallout.
As of press time, the Congressional Subcommittee on Delegate Clarification has been formed to explain the DMDA to the public, though unfortunately, they’ve already been absorbed by the DMDA itself.
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
