Gen Z Men Giving Up on Dating, Choosing Instead to Become Champions of “Call of Duty XVII”
Mandolinian Blog Fake News.. Or is it? Going to be a lot of fun either way!
DALLAS, TX — In a stunning shift of priorities, a growing number of young Gen Z men are reportedly walking away from the messy, demanding world of modern romance and into the comforting embrace of video games, “my fans” subscriptions, and microwavable pasta in Pokémon bowls.
“Why would I go outside and learn life skills when I could be sniping a 12-year-old from Denmark on Xbox while sipping Mountain Dew?” said 23-year-old Cody, still living in his parents' guest room and refusing to mow the lawn “on principle.”
Sociologists* (*meaning someone who once read a Reddit thread about dating stats) point to a possible explanation: on dating apps, roughly 10% of men reportedly get 90% of the attention, and those men are often the most “wealthy, chiseled, filter-proof gladiators of charisma,” as one researcher described while checking his own empty inbox.
While top-tier Tinder Titans -men not living in their parents basement, are apparently speed-running the emotional ruin of the entire dating app platform—dating the majority of app-using women briefly, before ghosting them and replacing them with the next emotionally vulnerable contender.
“It’s kind of like Pokémon,” said a 29-year-old fitness model and crypto enthusiast. “Gotta date 'em all, then disappear.”
This, experts believe, may be fueling a growing sense of frustration among women who feel men aren’t putting in the effort—unaware that most men aren’t even participating anymore.
“Skill Tree Abandoned at Level 1”
“He just needs a good woman to push him to get a job, move out, and become a functioning adult!” said one woman, optimistically dating a man who sleeps in a race car bed and refers to her as “Player 2.”
Many Gen Z men, however, say they feel unmotivated to meet women who will “hold them to a higher standard” when that would require them to develop a personality, shave, or put on real pants.
“I tried dating once,” said 22-year-old Dalton, “but then she asked me what I wanted to do with my life. So I panicked, faked a hamstring injury, and deleted Hinge.” -A Dating App
The Future of Romance?
With bitterness rising on both sides and communication increasingly limited to 6-second TikToks and emoji memes, some experts are calling for urgent cultural reform.
“If we don’t intervene soon, we may see an entire generation of young men refusing to date until someone adds romance DLC to ‘Elden Ring 2,’” warned Dr. Angela Streeb, professor of Modern Sadness at Arizona Internet University.
Until then, love may have to wait.
Or at least until the servers go down.
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
