Sunday Sermon: "The Tariffs of Tribulation and the Tide of Tithing"
Preacher Cletus W. Brambleton
First Baptist Church of Nauvoo, Illinois
April 20, 2025
Brothers and Sisters, gather round!
I come before you today, not as a humble man, but as a warned man. Warned by the Good Lord and the Wall Street Journal. For the troubles in China, friends... they ain't just geopolitical anymore. They’re spiritual. And they’ve come straight to the house of the Lord.
Now let me ask y’all something.
Why... why is it that 1.4 billion souls in the People's Republic of China have yet to fully embrace the tenets of the Southern Baptist Convention?
Because, beloved, the enemy don’t carry a passport.
He’s working double shifts in Beijing and Washington D.C.
And let’s face it—he’s got fiber-optic broadband in both.
But that’s not even the worst part. No sir.
Tariffs have been raised to 380%! That’s not a typo, that’s a tithe and three extra offerings!
The humble rice cracker—the representation body of Christ in gluten-free form—now costs more to import than Sister Betty’s kidney transplant from 2021.
And the Bibles!
Lord have mercy, the Bibles are all printed in China! We ordered a shipment last month and the order came back marked “Collect before Delivery – $1,287.95”. The Word of God, held hostage by international shipping.
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
"Preacher Brambleton, what are we gonna do?"
We’re gonna do what we’ve always done—pass the plate, and then pass it again!
Effective immediately, tithing is going up by 125%.
It’s not greed—it’s righteous economic adjustment. The Lord giveth, and the Fed taketh away.
Closing Prayer:
Dearest Lord,
The light bills are going up, the Bible prices are as high as the highest heavens, and half the congregation can’t afford the gas to get to church.
Let these church tariffs—I MEAN TITHES—bless our little First Baptist family here in Nauvoo.
May the money flow like your mercy, and the rice crackers arrive before the Second Coming.
In your holy, tariff-free name we pray,
Amen.
A special thanks to Mr. Walls and Mr. Reddoch for the inspiration of this post!
-Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
Hope you have a Blessed Easter!
