Porch Philosophy with Bubba and Tuck
Porch Philosophy with Bubba and Tuck
Lexington, Kentucky
[Front porch, midday. Bubba and Tuck rock back and forth in their old rocking chairs, sweat beading on their brows, beers in hand. The cicadas scream in the trees. A dusty breeze kicks up now and then.]
Tuck (leaning back, scratching his head):
"Hey Bubba... how come folks call ‘em tornaders anyhow? Is it supposed to be tore-nadoes or tore-naders?"
Bubba (takes a lazy swig, then tips his hat back):
"Cause it tore up everythin’ it touches, Tuck. Tore it clean off the map. Tore-nado. Simple as that."
Tuck (eyes wide like Bubba just recited the Constitution):
"Well I’ll be! Makes a heap of sense when you put it like that."
[An old beat-up red Jeep rattles up the driveway, kicking up a cloud of dust. Out hops Billi Jo — Bubba’s younger sister — still wearing her University of Kentucky College of Medicine T-shirt and tight blue jeans. She’s got a stack of books under one arm and a mischievous glint in her eye.]
Bubba (grinning under his breath):
"Speak of a storm."
Tuck (sitting bolt upright, brushing off his shirt, trying to look presentable):
"Howdy there, Billi Jo!" (voice cracks slightly)
Billi Jo (sauntering up the porch steps, smirking):
"Hey Bubba. Hey Tuck. Y’all look real busy."
(Glances at their rocking chairs and beer cans with a smirk.)
Bubba (deadpan):
"Breakin’ a sweat just thinkin’ ‘bout work."
Billi Jo (dropping her books on a chair):
"Y’all’re in luck. I made lunch. Been learnin’ all kinds of healthy stuff at school. I’m thinkin’ of bein' a vegan now."
Tuck (scrunching his face):
"Vegan? Ain’t that one o' them Star Trek words?"
Bubba (eyeing her suspiciously).
Billi Jo (laughing, then explaining sweetly):
"Naw, Tuck. Vegan just means you don’t eat no animals. Just plants an’ such. Healthier. More humane."
Tuck (looking suspicious):
"So... no beef? No bacon?"
Billi Jo (grinning like a fox in the henhouse):
"Nope. But don’t you worry — I made y’all corned beef sandwiches. Ain’t got no beef in it. It’s all made from corn. Just tastes like beef. Vegan magic."
Bubba (hiding a smirk, lifting his beer for another long drink):
"Mmmhmm. Corn magic."
Tuck (staring wide-eyed at the sandwich Billi Jo hands him, sniffing it like it might bite back):
"You’re tellin’ me... this here’s all corn? Ain’t a lick o' cow?"
Billi Jo (putting on her best innocent face):
"Swear on my pre-med honor, Tuck."
[Tuck hesitates, then takes a massive bite. Chews thoughtfully, blinking in disbelief.]
Tuck (mouth full):
"I’ll be danged... vegan food ain’t half bad! Tastes like real beef! Can't believe this is just corn!"
Bubba (chuckling low, still rocking):
"Miracle of modern science."
Billi Jo (grinning ear to ear, giving Bubba a wink):
"Y’all’re welcome. Keep eatin’, boys — health’s important."
[Billi Jo gathers her books and heads inside, biting her lip to keep from bustin' out laughing. Tuck watches her go, dreamy-eyed.]
Tuck (leaning back, utterly bewildered):
"Tore-nadoes and corn beef... Bubba, the world’s a mighty strange place."
Bubba (rocking, lifting his beer again):
"Mmhmm."
[Tuck eventually wanders off down the dirt road, still muttering about corn beef. Bubba stays put, rocking slowly. A beat passes. Then the screen door creaks as Billi Jo peeks her head back out.]
Bubba (dryly):
"You don't tell folks that kinda nonsense in public, do ya, Billi Jo?"
Billi Jo (grinning sly):
"Nah. Just like messin’ with your friend. You know he thinks I’m hot stuff."
Bubba (snorts, shaking his head):
"World's doomed."
[Billi Jo disappears back inside, the screen door slamming softly. Bubba chuckles to himself, rocking steady, the cicadas screaming louder as the sun beats down.]
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
