San Angelo Hosts First Stick Horse Rodeo, Medical Tent Understaffed
SAN ANGELO, TX — In what officials are already calling a "historic milestone for barely-regulated competitive absurdity," the San Angelo Rodeo Arena was rented out this past weekend for the First Annual Hobby Horse Rodeo, featuring grown adults violently pretending to ride wood stick horses for fame, glory, and mild spinal trauma.
Among the day's highlights, two bronc riding contestants were rushed to the first aid tent after sustaining self-inflicted whiplash injuries while flailing out of the real rodeo gates atop their imaginary, broom handle-steed companions.
"He came outta that gate like the spirit of Secretariat possessed him," said one bystander, sipping sweet tea and trying not to laugh. "Only thing real was the pain."
Despite the occasional neck brace, participants and spectators alike enjoyed the event, which organizers repeatedly emphasized was "not meant to be taken overly seriously unless you're an insurance adjuster. Or European...”
Former professional rodeo riders, now armed with stick horses instead of 1,200-pound quarter horses, joined in on the festivities. The barrel racing event stole the show, with ex-barrel racing champions racing around barrels at terrifyingly quick speeds for on foot, often punctuated by shrieks of "Yeehaw!" and the occasional rolled ankle.
"Honestly, it was a treat," said veteran barrel racer Kate Annie McDoogal. "I haven't felt this alive since I tore my ACL in '08."
Meanwhile, the clown division did its part to uphold rodeo tradition. Disaster struck when one rodeo clown, attempting to taunt a competitor, got clocked directly in the face by a rogue hobby bull after a rider pretending to be "hung up" managed to wildly whip the stick around during a fake buck-off scenario.
"The clown's fine," said an EMT on-site. "He's used to worse. He once got kicked by a miniature goat at a petting zoo protest rally."
Despite minor injuries, organizers are already planning next year’s event, with rumored expansions to include stick bullfighting, lawn chair roping contests, and extreme goat jousting for the kids.
Tickets for the 2nd Annual San Angelo Hobby Horse Stampede will go on sale "as soon as we can find enough volunteers who are brave enough to ride again," said event chairwoman Linda-May Whittington, from her lawn chair on the sidelines.
In a solemn moment near the middle of the First Annual Hobby Horse Rodeo, beloved bronc stick horse "Glue Gun" was formally “put down” after sustaining catastrophic splinter injuries during a particularly aggressive buck-off demonstration.
The incident occurred after rider Buck “Two-Step” Rawlins attempted a high-speed dismount while spurring the stick wildly, causing Glue Gun’s head to snap clean off and land directly in the arms of a horrified spectator.
“We knew the risks,” said rodeo announcer Jerry Dale Wiggins, wiping away a fake tear. “These hobby horses live fast and splinter young.”
Organizers held a brief memorial by ceremonially snapping the remains over a knee and tossing them onto a Walmart clearance bin.
Glue Gun is survived by his identical siblings, Hot Glue, Crafty, and Splinty Joe, all expected to compete in next year’s stick horse championship — assuming they can stay in one piece.
“We’ll rebuild,” said Wiggins. “Stronger. With Gorilla Glue next time.”
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
