The Procrastinati -Uncovering the Secret Lives of the Moderately Functional
"Delayed Announcements from Those Who'll Get to It Eventually"
Breaking News: The Annual Procrastinati Awards Ceremony has been rescheduled to "whenever Magister @PostponeProphet gets around to it."
Weather Update: Forecast calls for 90% chance of forgetting your umbrella after checking the weather twice.
Health Tip: Exercise is important. We recommend starting next Monday. Or the Monday after that. Whichever feels more spiritually aligned.
Quote of the Month: “Deadlines are merely polite suggestions from the future.”
Stay tuned for further announcements... or don't. We'll probably remind you later.
Exclusive Interview: Jake Lowel (Who Shall Be Unnamed) Undercover with the Procrastinati
-In an exclusive sit-down interview with The Mandolinian, alleged government agent and part-time meme enthusiast Jake Lowel described his shocking infiltration of one of the world's least productive secret societies: The Procrastinati. A group devoted to delaying absolutely everything—deadlines, emails, car maintenance—the Procrastinati thrive in the shadowy corners of inboxes and late-night panic attacks. Their sacred motto, etched digitally for future generations to misunderstand:
Veni, Vidi, Vici. Tum tarde Veni.
(I came, I saw, I conquered, I came late.)
When asked how he was recruited, Jake shrugged.
"First off, you gotta get noticed. That means embarrassing yourself. I was twenty minutes late to work because I got caught reading Mandolinian articles. Boss at the DMDA chewed me out hard. Everyone stared. It was slightly embarrassing."
Moments later, Jake received an encrypted meme from Peter—a known office procrastinator whose greatest contribution to government efficiency was inspiring new definitions of "pending."
"It wasn't even a good meme," Jake said solemnly. "That's how you know it's legit."
The meme was accompanied by a mysterious summons: "Meet me in the bathroom." Jake obeyed, because when an unfunny meme and a cryptic bathroom message collide, history is made.
"Peter told me to show up to a meeting. When I asked who was going to be there, he just whispered, 'You will be.. You will be,' like some kind of budget Yoda."
When Jake arrived, he was promptly black-bagged, stripped of most of his clothes, and shoved into a dimly lit room. Blinking against the gloom, he expected to see an ancient stone tablet or some relic of the old world. Instead, sitting slightly askew on a crumbling brick altar, was an Apple iPad Pro 14.6-Inch (M38), glowing softly.
It wasn’t even secured, just left there like someone had dropped it off and forgotten about it. Not even centered in the room — just sitting awkwardly, out of place, humming with sterile, modern light.
"It wasn't mystical," Jake clarified. "It was only 15% charged."
Displayed on the screen: the Procrastinati’s sacred seal—a pyramid topped with an all-seeing eye that was definitely asleep.
Jake was instructed to place his hand on the iPad and swear a solemn oath to never, under any circumstances, be exactly on time again.
"The guy who was supposed to help me recite the oath was 7 minutes late to the meeting. They said it was a perfect initiation."
At this point in the ceremony, Jake was greeted by Lady Blackthorn of the Shadow Vale, a robed figure who, according to Jake: "Stumbled at least five times getting to me. I honestly thought she was having a medical event. Turned out she was just extremely committed to the Procrastinati ethos and her stilettos."
Then plans were made for a feast.
"I asked when. She said, 'We don't know, nobody bought groceries yet.' So yeah, classic."
After being released from the dark chamber — a tavern basement called Brasswick — Jake overheard Lady Blackthorn assuring the tavern owner, a man with a huge mustache, that the overdue rental payments were “being processed.” "She said it with confidence, like she truly believed it."
After that Jake was unceremoniously taken outside, placed into a cab and sent home.
The next day, he received access to the Procrastinati’s meme-sharing portal—a website so primitive it looked like it was built by three interns working off a shared Wi-Fi hotspot inside a Chunky Cheese during a power outage.
"The memes were…okay," Jake confessed. "My non-secret friends make better ones. But it's not about the quality. It's about the spirit of being just barely adequate I suppose."
If you're reading this and you're late for something right now... congratulations. You're are on the path of the Procrastinati.
(P.S. To our friends at the DMDA: No, this is definitely not why Peter is six weeks behind on the faraday cage server upgrade designs for EMP and Solar Flare protection. Probably.)
Upcoming Note for The Daily Classified:
Sources close to the DMDA have reported that Peter has recently gone missing under "mysterious circumstances" after being several weeks late on critical assignments. Ironically, now that Peter is missing, DMDA server upgrades have been completed three weeks ahead of schedule. Coincidence? Classified analysts say: probably not.
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
