Introducing FEDUPS: The Explosively Fast Delivery Service for People Who Are Just Done With It All
You. Yes, you. The one reading this.
Are you fed up with your package delivery service leaving your very private purchases at the neighbor’s door again? You know the package—the one that makes you question whether society has gone too far... and whether your spouse will ever look at you the same way again if they accidentally open it.
Are you sick of the U.S. Mail, which like other U.S. males, tends to deliver eventually?
Well friend, it’s time to say goodbye to shame, delays, and doorbell-camera anxiety. Because we’re proud to introduce FEDUPS, the FAST, EXPENSIVE, DELIVERING, UN-unionized POSTAL SERVICE.
That’s right—FEDUPS. Because we’re as done as you are.
Our Delivery Partners:
Formula 1 Engineers – Because if it’s not in your hands in under three seconds, is it even racing?
Spaysex – A totally legitimate rocket startup out of Hawthorne that may or may not be related to a certain billionaire, probably not.
DARPA – For when your package needs to be delivered and obliterate a rival Amazon Locker at the same time.
With FEDUPS, we don’t just toss your package on the porch. We air-drop it via supersonic drone, heat-shielded capsule, or weaponized glide sled, depending on your zip code and general vibe.
Need Delivery To:
A hermit cave in the Middle East?
A secret island bunker?
Your ex’s house, along with a box of regret and a glitter bomb?
We’ve got the tech—and the attitude.
And yes, for a small surcharge, we will “take care” of that porch pirate who keeps showing up on your Ring camera. (All FEDUPS agents are trained in evasive maneuvers, light hand-to-hand combat, and dramatic package reentry.)
Customer Testimonial:
“I had a package show up at Mach 6. It vaporized my mailbox, the HOA, and my neighbor’s inflatable snowman. The package container held up like a champ. I’ve never been more satisfied.”
– Actual FEDUPS Customer (currently under investigation)
For those tired of being let down by traditional mail...
Sing along with our company jingle!
If you’re Fed up with them.
Then get FEDUPS with us!
We go postal, so you don’t have to!
Because in a world of late packages, weird signatures, and cardboard shame—we believe the only solution is speed, secrecy, and a slight disregard for international airspace laws.
FEDUPS is not responsible for lost, damaged, delayed, duplicated, or emotionally scarring packages. Delivery times may vary depending on orbital trajectory, customer mood, or current level of caffeine in our dispatch team. FEDUPS does not operate in Canada. All launch-based deliveries subject to the FAA finding out and mild atmospheric resistance. We accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Bitcoin, Ethereum, Venmo, CashApp, gold, and unopened packages from Columbia..”Coffee” Discover not accepted
By using FEDUPS, you agree to waive all rights, reasonable expectations, and the Geneva Convention.
If you enjoy your time here, might I humbly ask that you share my blogs with your friends.. Your neighbors.. And your countrymen.. Lots of visitors mean that some day I can hire a tech guy and my website wont look like a satire writer built it! Please share! Thank you for your time, -Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
