THE DAILY CLASSIFIED Internal Memorandum Publication — For Authorized Eyes Only “Because Truth is Optional, but Clearance is Not.”
Clearance Level: OMEGA-OBVIOUS
Date: Thursday, April 25, 2029
Vol. CXXII No. 440
In cooperation with: DARPA, LARPA, DMDA, and Selected Trusted Baristas
LARPA Recruits Complete Immersion Training at Scarborough LARP Fest
Agents Now Just Awkward Enough to Operate in Public
CAMP SCARBOROUGH, TX — In what DARPA leadership is calling a "crucial breakthrough in behavioral camo conditioning," the top four agents of the newly formed Live Action Role Play Agency (LARPA) have completed a full week of knight-grade awkwardness immersion at the Scarborough Renaissance Festival.
The decision to deploy Marius Vahl, Zara Volkov, Victor Kreel, and Anya Blackthorn to the medieval-themed LARP site was described by DARPA’s behavioral subcommittee as “absolutely essential” following early feedback that the agents were “too cool, too fit, and far too symmetrical” for effective fieldwork.
“The average person doesn’t trust perfection,” said Dr. Leonard Wexley, Director of DARPA’s Human Blending Division. “We needed them to experience the humbling discomfort of foam armor, suspicious turkey legs, and being called ‘Milord’ by a guy named Craig.”
Training Highlights:
Marius Vahl spent three days in chainmail, muttering “the sword is part of me now,” and accidentally bowed to a Dairy Queen employee on his lunch break.
Zara Volkov was seen yelling “FOR THE QUEEN!” while attempting to infiltrate the funnel cake tent. She later said the experience was “psychologically transformative and slightly greasy.”
Victor Kreel built a trebuchet out of trash and PVC pipes. It was immediately confiscated after it launched a mutton bone into the adjacent petting zoo.
Anya Blackthorn refused to break character and now insists on being addressed as “Lady Blackthorn of the Shadow Vale.” Her paperwork has been updated accordingly.
DMDA’s Official Statement:
“This kind of immersive cringe training is how we prepare elite agents to blend in with civilians, particularly those in vape shops, farmers markets, and DMV lines. We’re proud to say our LARPA team now triggers zero suspicion in any social context—including karaoke night.”
What’s Next?
The team will undergo final awkwardness calibration at a local comic-con next month before being cleared for live operations.
The official report notes that all four agents now exhibit a healthy level of social hesitation, with three out of four spontaneously apologizing when approached by civilians.
Classified Comment:
“We’ve done it. We made them weird,” said one DARPA analyst, sipping from a goblet he definitely didn’t buy at the festival.
“They’re ready.”
Ashokan O’Fabley -The Mandolinian
